Doritos: First, Second, & Third Degree Burn Chips - Jalapeno, Buffalo Sauce & Habanero

Doritos has launched a sizzling new line of HOT chips - and they are labeled appropriately. They come in 3 degrees of "Burn" - First Degree Burn Blazin' Jalapeno, Second Degree Burn Buffalo Sauce & Third Degree Burn Scorchin' Habanero.

Long time staffer Franklin spotted these new chips on a coffee run and made the common mistake of thinking that 3rd degree burn means was the bottom of the scale with 1st degree burns being the hottest. Actually, as you may know - it is the exact opposite.

Team FPT sat down at our roundtable and we all tried one chip each from the 3rd Degree Burn Doritos bag he had bought for us. Not prepared - we had no water or anything handy to mitigate the heat damage to our mouthes from just one chip. Upon getting beverage as quickly as possible - we realized this was not enough to mask the lingering burn in our mouthes. We turned to eating Mini-Charleston Chews and anything that might calm the fire mouth feeling. It took an average of 10 minutes of eating, drinking and teeth/mouth brushing to get our mouthes and tongue back to a normal state.

These chips are for the truly hardcore heat people - we could not and did not want another of these 3rd degree burn chips. You think you can handle these - if you cant find them locally in your region, the FPT is offering to send anyone two of these chips for free to try. We have 2/3 of a bag sitting here and no one on the staff is interested in going thru all that again. Email us for your free 2 chip sample via regular mail.

Buffalo Bill's Casino Buffet - Locals Secret! - MOBI report by Blak2oof

Mobi Report from B2:

I found a great hidden secret in Primm, Nevada....The Buffalo Bill's Casino mini burger bar in side the buffet. I usually eat once a week at Buffalo Bill's buffet. It is by far the best of the 3 buffets in Primm. They usually have the same ol' stuff, salad bar, roast beef carving station, mashed potatoes, lasagna, fish, etc....This time around, in a buffet station all by its self was the mini burger bar.

The mini burger bar consisted of mini beef and breaded chicken patties, jo-jo potatoes, and mini hamburger buns. On the fixins' side of the bar, there was tomatoes, onions, lettuce, cheese, etc. I made myself a double cheese mini burger, and topped it off with a few jalapenos from the salsa bar. I added a side of macaroni salad, one of my other favorites at Buffalo Bill's Buffet. It gave my meal a BBQ kind of feel.

I have to admit, the price of the buffet may not be worth just the mini burger bar....dinner buffet can be over $14 on the weekends. Luckily for me, my meals are always comped in Primm. I added a picture of the mini burger next to a salt shaker to show its size.

St. Patrick's Day - Rehearsal Dinner!

Faith n' Begorrah, FPT --

We enjoyed an early St. Patrick's Day courtesy of our good Irish friends. Attached are two pictures for your viewing pleasure. The first is of our delicious Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner which was served, of course, with a proper Irish beverage; and the second is a sampling of our Mickey's Big Mouth cap puzzles.

We figured them all out except the last..."

May the road rise to meet you,
Skep

Mongo Mongologues #10: He Returns - With Bloody Mary Recipe Blabber!

Dear FPT readers,
I heard through the grapevine that some of you actually wondered where the hell I am and what the hell I'm up to. I also heard that some of you have requested new recipes from IaM. Well, let's get down to basics, first. I am alive and well. Dr. Sundaram will confirm this. I have been staying away a bit from The Big Fish (a dive bar that serves Coors Light on tap) because Glendale PD has been scouring the area, trying to keep derelicts like I am out of their city. Otherwise, all is essentially well.

Today, we will not discuss lamb or the other white meat. Nor will we discuss beef, or the cuts therefrom. Today, we will discuss booze. As some of our readers know, I rarely touch hard booze. But, I am an expert. I tended bar for some time. I would like to impart to my readers the best recipe for a Bloody Mary known to God, FP and e, with a California twist no less.

The best way to enjoy a Bloody Mary is to prepare correctly. This normally involves going out to a dive bar on Saturday night and getting totally lit. Then, come morning, one needs to do some damage control. This is where the Bloody Mary a la Mongo can come in handily. The best recipe for Bloody Mary mix that I have ever tasted was at the dinner house at which I worked.

When making Bloody Mary mix, one must first keep in mind the "does and don'ts." On the "do" side, one should start with Glorietta tomato juice. One can substitute with Campbell's, but Glorietta is the best.One must add Lea and Perrins. Do not substitute from this brand. Our knowledgeable connoisseurs will then add lime juice, celery salt, and pepper.

On the "don't" side, we here at the FPT strongly discourage the use of Tabasco sauce. Yes, it does provide a quick source of spiciness. However, the vinegar therein always leaves a bad taste in our readers' palates. We also discourage the use of regular pepper. Tantamount, we here at the FPT insist that a proper Bloody Mary does not contain MSG. MSG is a cheap fix and not good for the health of our readers.

Those are the basics. Now, here is the best recipe I have ever tasted. This is an institutional sized recipe, but can be cut back to size. Take a one-gallon glass jar. This is important because glass does not impart flavour to the mix ("flavour" for our overseas friends). Add two large cans of Glorietta tomato juice. Add one can of Campbell's Beef Broth (do not ever substitute). This is also extremely important for the reason that you will probably be hurting when you request a Bloody Mary, and beef broth injects some food into the equation. Add one small bottle of Lea and Perrins. Again, do not substitute. Add one and a half ounces of lime juice. Lemon juice is a decent substitute. Add a tablespoon of celery salt. Now comes the trick. How will this mix be spicey? Add one tablespoon of black, cracked pepper. This gives the mix a beautifully spicey taste without the taste of vinegar. Having thrown all of the ingredients into your glass jar, there is one more secret: One must let the mix sit for at least a half a day. This allows the full flavour of the cracked pepper to permeate the mix. Oh, yea... Don't forget to shake the ingredients well before you stash the mix in the 'fridge. Oh, fuck, I almost forgot the garnishments. Garnish this delectable damage-controlling cocktail with a celery stick, a lime wedge, and a fully cooked shrimp. Add vodka to taste (the subject of vodka shall be expounded upon in a subsequent edition of the FPT).

I hope you enjoy this excellent cocktail.

IaMongo

Ice Cube Tray Spikes - Another FPT Reader Has Unusual Encounter!

Here we have another set of photos sent via email from an FPT reader. The mystery of these continues. Some have argued global warming. Until our friend Yancy sends us the results of his algorithims on this we are not taking a stance.

Wild Habanero Cheetos - Way Too Hot

As you regular readers know, Team FPT likes hot & spicy snacks. We were excited when new front office staffer Janet suprised us with a bag of this new Wild Habanero flavor from Cheetos.

Upon choming down our first handful - we were all gasping for water. These are hot - way way hot - even too hot for us. We could not eat these - even with water nearby. In our confused state - Janet came up with the perfect solution. She had noticed we were working a normal bag of Cheetos on a side shelf. We mixed them 50/50 and found that to be a nice hot spicy do-able mix. Try this move - let us know how it turns out for you.

We Support Girl Scouts! Buy Those Cookies People! - Even The Smelly Ones - They Are OK.

Regular mobi contributor Chris Norton to the FPT sent us a reminder photo to support the Girl Scouts! We could not agree more.

What is ironic is after we received this pic - there was a fax sent to us regarding that some of the cookies were found to be "smelly" but safe to eat. Turns out the maker used a cheap oil that broke down too quick and they are recalling these.

Big Mama Pickled Sausages - Anyone Tried Em?

This were captured on a mobi device by a friend of the FPT. Yancy - You may know him, he is a good common man and he makes stuff happens/solves problems.

We generally dont throw in with discount counter-display mini-sausages. These need your help - has anyone been man enough to power one of these?

Please comment below - or by email on right side of page. No sign-ups needed to post a comment on this site.

TV Remote With Big Buttons - For Big People!

Finally!
Someone has figured it out and is manafacturing fat and functioning merchandise. This over-sized button remote fills all the needs of the big and large community. Big buttons help if you got the big hands goin - and as a bonus it is bender-friendly with easy to see numbers on the big buttons when one has been eating for 12+ hours!

Food As Art: Chili Can Bender Pyramid Display

We received this anonymous photo via email last night and the whole team here loves it. This is food as art. Whomever sent this did a great job with placing additional items on/around the 5-can chili pyramid stack. This piece speaks out with a message. We will post our own individual takes on the metaphors going on in this piece as we firm them up.

Wild White Cheddar Cheetos - TEAM FPT sends bag of cheetos coast to coast for mountain mobi team member Etathed!

Not to long ago the FPT team reviewed a new offering from the good folks at Cheetos...Wild White Cheddar. The glowing review prompted me to head out and find a bag myself, as i find Cheetos to be a great snack and usually enjoy their limited time experimental flavor concoctions. Plus white cheddar is one of my all time favorite flavorings. After searching far and wide for these elusive Wild White Cheddar Cheetos with no luck of finding them, I assumed they were a regional offering that had not made it to my area(I live in a mountainous region in the upper elevations of West Virginia so it is not uncommon to miss out on stuff like this).

After mentioning this to TEAM FPT at the Fat Pride Times, they was kind enough to purchase me a bag and send them across the the great USA so i could experience this limited time offer.

Upon opening the package from TEAM FPT, I was honored to find a full size bag of Wild White Cheddar Cheetos. I was expecting a small grab bag 99 cent sized bag, in hindsight i don't know why i would have expected a small portion bag from the good folks at the FPT, after all they are Priders and Priders buy Prider sized products.

My first taste of these Cheetos was a bit of a let down. They were not overpowering with cheese flavor, and actually tasted rather similar to the original cheetos. As i continued to sample them i found them to have a unique flavor that was indeed different than the original Cheetos. These Cheetos are easy to eat, and i credit that to the non overpowering White Cheddar flavoring, making them a very bender friendly snack. In fact i had to put the bag in a different room to write up this review.

EDITOR'S COMMENT: Really now - thats rather over-dramatic.

These cheetos also did not leave my hands cheese stained, like the original cheetos we are all familiar with. I was thankful for this as the cheese staining is very difficult to remove.

In summation, these are a unique yet not overpowering offering from Cheetos, however they are not my favorite all time Cheeto flavor. That title still belongs to the Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos.

Again, many thanks to FP and the great people at the Fat Pride Times for sending and sharing this snack bag with a fellow prider on the other side of the country. A tip of the cap to you all!

EDITOR'S COMMENT: The FPT thanks Etathed for all oh his fine contributions over the years to this site - we have a different take on these - as we found them to be the best Cheetos ever! As we tell everyone who writes a post for us - tell it like it is, we keep it real here. FYI: Yancy is little upset we did not do this on a tri-trade level. But we are happy to purchase and ship to Etathed at our expense. Sometimes it is not all about the multi-tiered trades Yancy.

Confluence Festival in Gardiner Oregon - The Barnabus Field Report

My MOBI assignment this last weekend was to attend the Confluence Festival in Gardiner Oregon, a small coastal town that I have been exploring as of late.

The festival was held at the local school. The lineup of bands was pretty good for such an event, it was a nice break from crap local bands like Kush and Mr Wizard, and it was nice to not see a Ron Jeremy look-a-like playing saxaphone. The food was off the hook. Canby Asparagus Farm clearly won the day with their mix of tamales, salsa, and chips. They did some darn fine work and my wife says that it was some of the best Mexican food she has ever experienced. They are located in Milwaukie Oregon on Main Street.

The vendor booths were fun, and crammed into a 100-year old gymnasium. The highlight of the evernt for me was the *lovely* bouquet of veggie made flowers, look closely and you will be amazed. The nice lady what made the arrangement was, well, nice.

The "beer and wine" part of the festival was predictable. All I wanted was a Corona, but there was nothing to be had but local microbrews which I find to be absolute swill. We had a great time taking in the event and the lovely town of Gardiner. I highly recommend this festival.
-- Barnabus

Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger - Carl's Jr. - The Mobi FPT Team Report

Team FPT immediately went Mobi when we heard about this new offering at Carl's Jr, we have a fondness for sourdough bread - especially when used as the 'bun' on a burger.

This was really cheesy good. We got the standard burger and found it to be all we expected - we know the 6.00 version (which actually sells for 5.oo and change) has got to be off the charts.

Most important thing going on with this new burger is the cheese - there is a lot of cheese. Look at the photos above - in the one with the finger, if you look closely you can see a strand of the cheddar stretching from the burger. The photos of the wrapper that is cheese-laden also show that there is no skimping here - it is truly cheesy - cannot emphasize that enough.

Team FPT loves this burger - get one. If you hook up with Carl's Jr. on Facebook & Twitter - you can get web-exclusive coupons!

Arby's - Bacon Swiss Chicken Sandwich

When the Team FPT mini-van rolled up to Arby's on a recent junket - we almost backed out. There was nobody there - at least inside, not sure about the drive-thru - but would have noticed if there were a lot of cars. This was around 8pm - as the photos show this place was not happening.

However, we were armed with a coupon for 2 of their 'premium' bacon swiss chicken sandwiches for 4.00 - and we did the math using the risk/reward model and decied to go for it. After ordering, a few people wandered in, suprisingly enough they all ahd coupons. Arby's must stay afloat with their coupons - as we see them all the time in various publications.

To the sandwiches, they were fresh - by default, and not too bad. They seemed like 2.00 sandwiches and without the coupon they would have been 3.99 each. So what did we learn from this junket? If you are not banking coupons - Arby's might not be the best choice. Plus we got that weird burned to the crisp maximus tip on the end of our bacon. Team FPT is not ready to endorse or not-endorse Arby's at this time. Our entire staff will do a sit-down roundtable and de-brief ourselves about this visit ASAP.

Hot Pockets Subs - Where's The Insides?

Team FPT decided to try the newer Hot Pockets "Subs" line - and with based on the box photo we chose the "Spicy Pepperoni" ones. These are simple heat and eat microwave mini-meals. Everything seemed to be just fine until we took a bite.

There is so little inside of this bread/bun that we found ourselves confused again from a packaging food photo - The pictures above are self-explanatory. Look at the box - then look at our test sub. It was so bad that we decided to bite the other end off - and yes, you can see right thru it like a hollow tube.

This is one of the FPT Team pet-peeves and is perhaps our best dramatic example of mis-represenation of said foodstuffs. Shame on you Hot Pockets.

Totino's Pizza Rolls - Bacon Wrapped!

Regular MOBI contributor Chris Norton has sent us an interesting photo that we cannot explain just yet. These are Totino's pizza rolls - we are quite familair with these. However, bacon-wrapped? Norton did not go into detail as this was an on the fly MOBI upload - we will have more info ASAP.

Team FPT Member Finds Ice Cube Tray Spikes At Home - Mystery Continues...

Team FPT member Etathed opened up his freezer over the weekend to find he had the "paranormal" ice-spikes/stalagmites in his ice cube trays. Refer to our earlier post for other photos of these at the FPT test kitchens.

Our friend Yancy says he is doing the math behind this, he is weird smart and will provide some quality info for us to post soon.

Superbowl Party Trucks - Bud Light & Doritos

Spotted this AM at a Kwik-E-Mart and captured via mobi-device by former reader turned FPT Team staffer Bertranndo.

Please submit any and all foodstuff photos for publishing here! Our email is on the right of this page.

7-11 Has The Best Coffee Lid Ever Seen!

This lid, manafactured by Solo, is all one could want in a hot beverage lid. Thank Heaven For 7-11 as they say. We have not seen this lid anywhere else. If you look closely at the pictures above, you can see a little handle on the rim that you can move - which in turn will cover or uncover the sip hole. Simple, but beautifully genuis. Safe - spillage is not an issue here.

Hardee’s Portobello Mushroom Melt Thickburger - Guest Review From BadDonkey

This week I reviewed the Hardee’s Portobello Mushroom Melt Thickburger. This sandwich is a 100% Black Angus Beef Patty topped with sautéed Portabello Mushrooms, grilled onions, and two sliced of melted Swiss cheese, all served on a toasted sourdough bread. Once again, the sandwich looked very much as advertised which I have to take a moment to congratulate Hardee’s on. As I said in my last review, usually when you get fast food, the sandwiches look like they were thrown together then dropped on the floor and stepped on before being served. This is not true with the Hardee’s sandwiches I have reviewed.

From the first bite, I thoroughly loved this sandwich. The mushrooms were prepared correctly and the sauce they were cooked in was flavorful. The onions on the other hand were almost completely not there. I was disappointed in this because I really like onions. The meat was cooked correctly and the swiss cheese was a perfect addition to the sandwich. The bread however, seemed to get sopped in all the sauce and while I do really love sourdough, a thicker bread may have worked to keep the sandwich from becoming too messy. Overall this was a fantastic sandwich and has this reviewer looking forward to trying the 1/3lb, Mushroom N’ Swiss thickburger.

Pork - Better Than Viagra? - No Prescription Needed - Says Argentine President

"I didn't know that eating pork improved sexual activity," Argentine President Fernandez said to food industry professionals. "It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra."

Deep Fried Twinkies - Deep Fried Frog Legs?

A reader sent along this photo of a sign - looks like from a carnival or a boardwalk style sign. It is pimping deep fried Twinkies and if you look above - it appears that they also have deep fried frog legs and it says "tastes like chicken".

The photo was sent anonymously - and we are intrigued. Any priders out there know more about this or perhaps even tried these things?